"Fake it" till you "Make it"

I got some really beautiful messages recently about how I have inspired others, messages that meant the world to me and completely caught me off guard & I'm sooo keeping as my own inspiration!! But I wanted to admit that though I may come across as if I have it all together? I absolutely don't!! I just tend to focus on the good in my life and don't dwell on the hard times, but it doesn't mean I don't have any... But I decided in light of how I might come across I wanted to share what helps me sometimes...

Sometimes I feel unbelievably shy and awkward.  Family and close friends who know me well, and of course my children, are about the only ones who get to see me when I am sometimes miserable, moaning, grumpy, tired, fed up and feeling vulnerable.  I'm no different to anyone else!! Everyone has these times.... I have challenges with health, finances and family life.... I sometimes wonder am I doing enough? What else should I or could I be doing? What am I doing wrong? When will life stop making things hard?  Where am I gonna find the time? There's no way on earth I'm alone when I think this way... but thing is that for me I don't let it last... I manage to pick myself up quite quickly.  I've always been an optimist and my general baseline is "Happy" (Oh insert Pharell Williams song here!! I'm inspired to dance lol) Sometimes all I need is a good sleep or a time to distract myself & hey presto it's back to my baseline... Ok so there's actually a whole labyrinth of things that help me here, but I want so share what I do when facing a challenge...

When I'm facing a bit of an uphill battle or having to take something on that I'm not so sure about, whether it's a speaking up in a meeting, or attending an activity alone or even going on a first date (yes that last one is a whole other blog post in it's own right ha ha ha) I too feel "how am I supposed to do this"... My trick is a simple one but it works for me.  I internalise the fear, uncertainty, the awkwardness & PRETEND they're not real... I pretend I'm confident, I pretend I believe in myself, I pretend that I'm not cringing inside lol....

In other words : 

I fake it till I make it...

After a little time pretending, I slowly let go of the internalised feelings and they are but a dot on the horizon... and I begin to actually feel confident and sure of myself.  It takes practice,  I've been at this a long time.  It's not so much like the "Mask" I had before.  I'll admit I'm feeling less than 100%, it's not about hiding it, it's about tricking myself into being positive and optimistic.  I've used this technique so much so that I won't let anything stand in my way... I'll still feel fear, awkwardness and uncertainty, I'll still NOT wanna do it... but now it's just as easy to feel strong as it is to feel afraid!!! And feeling strong feels so much better!! 

Every little achievement and every little victory, gets held strong in memory and stored then to use again as inspiration and belief... 

I can look back and remember how I faked it... and now, I'm starting to make it... I've a confidence and belief in myself that I never knew I could have!! The sky's the limit

Luv & Bubbles ♥♥♥

A "cool" act of kindness...

Ever have a day where you take yourself off on a whim and see where the mood takes you? Well... I was craving a bit of "me" time recently & decided a nice long walk with my dog Poppy was in order!... We jumped in the car and just drove! The sun was beaming, not a cloud in the sky and there was a kind of holiday feel in the air... So where's best to keep that feeling going? The beach of course! Absolute heaven....

One of my favourite things on a day like this, after melting in the sun & walking miles on the sandy beaches, was to have an ice cream to cool down, never mind the fact I've a ridiculous sweet tooth lol.  But... there was a festival on the beach this day & the place was packed!!  The queues were soooo long and the hustle and bustle of the crowds had me anxious about waiting in line for an ice cream!! Poppy is a nervous little thing.... Ok wait, she's not actually a little dog lol, she's not even a medium sized dog!! She's a big dog ha ha.... but she's very nervous around crowds and I wasn't sure how she'd react to standing in line with me while I waited my turn... I figured I'd give it a go, 'cause I didn't just "want" an ice cream lol, I "needed" an ice cream... ha ha
Got to the top of the queue, got my 99... Even got some sprinkles on it after a bit of a flirt with the driver!! (yes I do realise he offers them to everyone, but I'm gonna go with the fact I felt special!!) I turned to walk away, mouth watering and then it happened....

My ice cream fell off the cone!!!

DEVASTATED...

I barely had a sliver of ice cream just on the top of the very dry cone!! What could I do? I had to walk away as Poppy was ready to dive straight into the dollop of ice cream in the sand... I couldn't queue again! Yes I could've gone to the top and explained, but I just wanted to get outta there... I was gutted lol...  I walked a little bit down the beach, and plonked myself at the base of the sand dunes... I set up a drink for Poppy and proceeded to eat my practically dry cone!! feeling particularly sorry for myself I must add ha ha ha

I sat quietly soaking up the sun, while Poppy sat, almost on guard, beside me.  After a little while, I noticed a man approaching with a big smile as if he knew me... I looked around thinking there surely was someone actually behind me he was coming over to, but nope, just the dunes reaching up to the skyline... As he got closer he put his hand out towards me with, wait for it, a new ice cream cone!!! I couldn't quite believe it... He had been in the queue with his family and saw my tragedy, he told me that the look of devastation on my face broke his and his kids hearts & they just had to do something about it... This lovely man and his family went out of their way, to not only buy me an ice cream, but to traipse down the beach, looking for me too... I can't begin to explain how big my smile was and how overwhelmed I was... It's only an ice cream, I know that, but the gesture? That's BIG...

Thankfully, there are still people out there who are willing to go that extra mile... How often have we all been lost in our own little world and missed an opportunity to do something randomly kind for someone... Whoever you are, I wanted to thank you again... Your kindness instilled a fresh sense of joy and I went on about my day with a spring in my step!! 

Not forgetting as a result, that was, in fact, the nicest ice cream cone I've ever had ha ha ha!!!

Luv & bubbles ♥♥♥

Cheer yourself on...

So it's no secret I've had a tough year after going through a separation... This blog is not about my life in that sense, and not a place for me to vent, so don't worry that's not where I'm going with this... But I started the blog to share what inspires me, warts and all, and I want to write about the difficult times too.

It dawned on me today after speaking with an old friend that I've come a long way.  I've learned so much about myself, my family and my life.  I've held fast to the belief that through hard times, through mistakes you can learn your biggest lessons!!!  But too often we are our own worst critics.  Is it an Irish thing? Maybe... who knows?  But in almost a pre-emptive strike we will barrage ourselves internally with criticism.  I don't think anyone need "judge" or "bitch" about some of us realistically lol, we're probably gonna do it 10 times worse in our own head!!  Ok, so I know I'm not speaking for everyone, mainly for myself, but I've met so many people of late who are similar that I wonder how many of us do this to ourselves and in fact now I don't actually feel quite so alone in my self criticism.  But what's different now is that instead of cutting myself up, I want to try stop this pattern for myself, I'm gonna remind myself that I have a pool of personal experiences to inspire me and a wealth of lessons learned to know there's more to take on board!

Thru the last year I've faced a variety of challenges... None more difficult than lately, trying to figure out who am I now I'm out there on my own.   I'm not finished with what life's got to teach me either... I've a long way to go!! More challenges to face, more lessons to learn and probably more mistakes to make.  Truth be told, I've been quite independent all along on a practical level, but what I'm talking about is the hard stuff... the emotional "stuff" 

I could write a list the length of my arm, but it would only be the tip of the iceberg of what we all go thru in this crazy journey of "life" and it wouldn't necessarily ring clear with many....  Why?... Well my own challenges are simply that... 

My Own  

What I struggle with is not necessarily what the next person struggles with.  Even with how one person deals with something can be almost alien to how someone else does!
We all have "baggage", we all have "tough times"  But you know what? For me, as tough as they are, as heart wrenching some of my worst moments have been to me, managing to pull myself up or learning how to deal with whatever was in my path should inspire me to keep going strong, and support me over the next hurdle...  

It's time I cheered myself on... Will you cheer yourself on??

Luv & bubbles ♥♥♥

The joy of Laughter...

Have you ever had a moment of pure utter giggling?? you know the type I'm talking about... Where you just can't catch your breath... Where you have to cross your legs (so to speak lol) I've had quite a few moments over the years like that, and funny, I thought of them last night as I listened to my two daughters playing together... Boy did it lift my spirits... They both had the type of laugh that makes you smile immediately, you know the type? No holds barred, deep to the core, giggling... I was afraid to even record it on my phone for fear it would stop and I would miss even a little!! So I sat on the top step of the stairs, smiling to myself, listening to this joyous sounds, marking a magic moment between two little girls as they played a silly silly game... That deep rooted laughter that you can't replicate.... Awwww.... glorious!!

There's one particular moment from my own past that really stands out in my mind as I sit there soaking up the giggles of my girls... My brother, who I don't speak to as often as I should, rang me one night out of the blue! I was delighted to hear from him, especially after I realised why he was ringing!  He had proposed to his then girlfriend (who is now delightedly my sister in law) and she had accepted.  What a joyous occasion, wonderful news, but.... The poor guy wasn't able to tell me!!!

What? Why? I hear you ask... well, whether it's because we're siblings or not, I don't know...  but my brother is one of those people who can unknowingly get me into one of those fits of giggles!!! I'm not always alone in it either, bless him, he's got it as bad as me. Ever since we were kids and as far back as I can remember, we would out of the blue start laughing at something simple, that realistically only deserved a little chuckle... but no... both he and me would be off & there would be no stopping us!!!

So.... here he was, ringing me to tell me the wonderful news of his engagement.  He had just got off the phone telling his twin, my sister, who is named Elaine (you'll understand why I've told you her name in a moment).  So, it was then time to call me, the big sister to share the news... OMG I'm giggling to myself here thinking about it... So the conversation starts : 

"Hi Clare, it's Elaine here..." 

Of course, I laughed, he'd obviously been thinking of Elaine as he'd just talked to her and obviously mixed up his own name with hers in a split moment of confusion, (well in fairness, we've all been there before in one way or the other lol) but well, in that moment of me laughing... he then started laughing, then I laughed more, then he laughed more... AND WE WERE OFF....

I'm not even joking, five solid minutes, literally, five solid minutes, both me and my younger brother were breaking our hearts laughing.  From moments of no sound as we gasped for breath between the fits of giggles... to moments of ROARING with laughter, each of us, unwittingly egging each other on, spiralling into a mess of giggles.... Eventually he had to tell me he'd ring me back, but I calmed myself and pushed him to go ahead.... well... when I heard the news, I went from fit of giggles to tears of joy... and yes, we managed to actually talk eventually lol....  

But that five minutes of crazy giggling, where we couldn't catch our breath, will stay with me for a long long time...

Yes, trying to explain those moments to someone after the fact, you do sound a little NUTS!! But flip it, I hope you understand, and in fact I'm now gonna hope for more, and embrace the sillyness.  You see it's times like these that end up being way too far apart as we grow older!!! Why we feel we need to curb our enthusiasm is beyond me.  Nope, from here on in, I'm gonna make a point of stopping whatever it is I'm doing and listening to my children laugh uncontrollably, I'm gonna embrace those moments of giggling for myself when they come by and cherish them...

Life can be so serious sometimes, which is in point why I haven't blogged for a while, and difficult times can really get you down... But then again sometimes, out of the blue, a precious moment of sillyness can bring you right back to life again... 

Luv & bubbles ♥♥♥

PS : I dedicate this post to my amazing brother, who since childhood, though we don't see each other often enough as adults, has been a rock, a friend, a beacon of reason, and the best giggling buddy EVER!! Love ya bro xxx

A moment to keep singing

It's usually when I'm alone that I will let myself sing lol... My kids and extended family are always there to let me know I really shouldn't sing out loud!! No they're not mean or hurtful, it's actually a bit of a running joke, but I will absolutely be the first to tell you that in fact, and for a fact and even truth be known (can't be anymore clearer than that) I DO NOT SOUND GOOD WHEN I SING... To be honest lol... I don't even like the sound of my own voice when I sing...

But...

Sometimes, just sometimes I forget all of that and sing as loud and as free as I possibly can!    Have you ever sat in the car and burst into song? Gosh I'm a divil for it ha ha... I used to drive alone, for an hour, to and from work every day and by golly did I sing out loud when I felt like it   :o)   There's no words to describe how a song can lift you, make you feel alive, even in the depths of a bad mood.  It's usually when you least expect it, a simple verse... The build to the chorus... and then I'M OFF!!! (you'll note it's only really the chorus I sing along to, I never remember the words properly) 

It can stir emotions deep inside that I don't expect..
There can be tears, laughter, pure joy!!!
 I've been known to truly express myself & thump the steering wheel to the beat, mouth open wide belting out the tunes... swaying and bouncing to the chorus!!!

And then one day....

There... In traffic... In the lane beside me... Watching me in my full glory... Was a work colleague!! OMG... no way...

To say I went purple would be the biggest understatement of the year! Of course I knew people could probably see me, so I would usually compose myself when the traffic was stopped... But this one particular day, I was in my own little world. Inspired, joyous, basking in my expressiveness, happy as Larry (who's Larry by the way?)...   Until I looked to the side and there my colleague & friend was absolutely beaming at me! lol... 

Immediately it felt different... I didn't think she wasn't laughing at me... No, she was laughing with me :)  She had seen a moment of simple (though to see the state of me, it wasn't actually simple) happiness... How many of us get to see that honestly? There's always a little something held back when there are others around. But I decided in that moment, not to stop, not to hold back!!  I waved at her across the car lane and we were both in fits of giggles lol... can you see it? Can you picture us in the middle of traffic, wrapped up in our car bubbles (it was raining out) just two people, separated, but both in a shared moment of pure happiness, and by golly, we were in knots!

I kind of decided then and there... that no matter what... If I was in a good place, in a joyous moment and something that would or could be embarrassing were to happen, I wouldn't hold back, I would just laugh it off 'cause down the road, the memory of that moment could come back often, when I least expect it, and make me come alive again, would make me want to sing again... 

Oh and by the way, don't worry I'm not actually going to share my singing with you though ha ha ha

Luv & bubbles ♥♥♥

Beauty through a childs eyes...

I don't know about anyone else, but my children are plagued with compliments from me all the time!! Not in a ridiculous way, I don't tell them they're amazing at something if they're not, but I encourage and praise their tenacity at doing their best... To me personally, that's more amazing than anything else. To strive to do their very best fills me with the biggest rush of pride!!!

It's not being the best, it's trying your best...

Now in saying that... I do compliment them all the time, telling them that I think they're beautiful, I truly believe they are too, I may be biased, but I don't care, they hear it regularly with kisses and cuddles to boot :o)

Now where am I going with this? 

I had the most amazing conversation with my 4 year old daughter about being pretty... Sitting in the car one day waiting for one of the others at one of their MANY activities...
I told her with a kiss & cuddle that she's soooo pretty... and I love her squillions... She smiled at me with that look that can melt your heart... Oh I love that smile!!

And well.... then, yes totally fishing for a compliment of my own, I then asked

 "is Mammy pretty?"

Here's the thing... her reply stopped me dead in my tracks 

"Of course you are Mammy, your a girl... 

All girls are pretty" 

It struck me in that moment that out of the mouth of babes, the truth will be told...
Of course we're all pretty!  Why and where did anyone get the right to judge? 

I know this area is a minefield... There's so much already written and published about how society views beauty and I certainly don't mean to be an authority on the subject by any stretch of the imagination lol... I still struggle with how I see myself most of the time!!! So I'm NOT trying to spark a debate...

But this simple little conversation with my little girl, who sees people so beautifully and whole heartedly, has inspired me again to re-examine how I see everyone. It's actually quite scary how judgemental we can be without actually realising it!!! Yes, I can see it... We're all beautiful.

Regardless though, for me at least, my eyes are open & my heart inspired....

Hmmm... On a lighter note, I just hope she didn't mean that girls are pretty because boys are ugly ha ha ha

Luv & bubbles

THE MASK....

What is THE MASK...?

I quote Charles C. Finn's Poem here, it's just a snippet but powerful in it's message all the same :

        Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

               Don't be fooled by me.

               Don't be fooled by the face I wear

               for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

               masks that I'm afraid to take off,

               and none of them is me.

               Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,

               but don't be fooled,

               for God's sake don't be fooled.

               I give you the impression that I'm secure,

               that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well

                    as without,

               that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

               that the water's calm and I'm in command

               and that I need no one,

               but don't believe me.

THE MASK as I've grown to call it is exactly what it says on the tin!! A shield to hide behind... Those that know me personally know that I smile a lot, I'm generally a bubbily kind of person.  For goodness sake I'm known by some family and friends as Bubbles because I sign off using "Luv & Bubbles Clarebear" ha ha ha...   But what a lot of people don't know is that I had mastered THE MASK to the point, friends and family couldn't tell the difference!!! They weren't able to tell when I was genuinely happy or when I was hiding pain, but how do you strike the right balance? I don't have any answers for anyone, I don't know how many people do this themselves (but I know I'm not alone)... and I don't claim to know it all or anything about how to find the way, but I will say I have managed to find my own balance.  

No, I'm not going to share my deepest struggles, I'm still quite private, even if I am blogging about my life (lol... contradiction in terms there ha ha) But I want to share when I finally realised for myself that I had managed to get it just right...

Not so long ago, a lovely local woman, who knows me only as an acquaintance, asked me tentatively one day why I closed my business... She loved my handmade cards and couldn't understand why it was closed.  She seemed quite nervous to be asking actually :)  When I told her I closed it as I had been through a tough time in my life & needed to focus on my family, she was visibly taken aback.  She went on to tell me how incredible it was that I always seem so happy! 'Your always smiling' she said, she told me that she had heard about my situation (a separation) but didn't believe it, said it had to be a rumour, as I was always so bubbily and laughing...

I was sad at first, as I thought about THE MASK, the dreaded shield I've used for years and years.... I have been resented by people for coming across as having 'complete control' of my life through all it's ups and downs and to be fair I haven't... I'm the same as the next person... None of us have complete control and to be honest, I wouldn't necessarily really want to.... 

Why? because where would the life lessons be? How would we grow? How could we recognise the best of times if we didn't experience the worst of times?

This time I didn't hide behind the mask, nor did I give it credit for my smile as I spoke to her.  Yes I'm still facing hurdles from time to time and yes I'm down right cheesed off like the rest of us, but now the mask doesn't define how I should be, it has no power... I choose in a moment whether to be honest or not.  That power to choose has given me a new strength, which is the strength I hope she saw on that day.  

But hang on and come'ere I'm no saint, I'm no amazing kind of person, I'm just simply someone who has had a particular series of circumstances that have put me in a position to sink or swim!!! I used to appear to be floating, but now I just happen to be a person who chooses to swim, weather it's back stroke, front stroke, or even doggy paddle ha ha ha... 

It's not about how I've done it, it's that I've MANAGED to do it.  Believe me, if I can... anyone can

I'm just me...

Luv & bubbles ♥♥♥