A moment to keep singing

It's usually when I'm alone that I will let myself sing lol... My kids and extended family are always there to let me know I really shouldn't sing out loud!! No they're not mean or hurtful, it's actually a bit of a running joke, but I will absolutely be the first to tell you that in fact, and for a fact and even truth be known (can't be anymore clearer than that) I DO NOT SOUND GOOD WHEN I SING... To be honest lol... I don't even like the sound of my own voice when I sing...

But...

Sometimes, just sometimes I forget all of that and sing as loud and as free as I possibly can!    Have you ever sat in the car and burst into song? Gosh I'm a divil for it ha ha... I used to drive alone, for an hour, to and from work every day and by golly did I sing out loud when I felt like it   :o)   There's no words to describe how a song can lift you, make you feel alive, even in the depths of a bad mood.  It's usually when you least expect it, a simple verse... The build to the chorus... and then I'M OFF!!! (you'll note it's only really the chorus I sing along to, I never remember the words properly) 

It can stir emotions deep inside that I don't expect..
There can be tears, laughter, pure joy!!!
 I've been known to truly express myself & thump the steering wheel to the beat, mouth open wide belting out the tunes... swaying and bouncing to the chorus!!!

And then one day....

There... In traffic... In the lane beside me... Watching me in my full glory... Was a work colleague!! OMG... no way...

To say I went purple would be the biggest understatement of the year! Of course I knew people could probably see me, so I would usually compose myself when the traffic was stopped... But this one particular day, I was in my own little world. Inspired, joyous, basking in my expressiveness, happy as Larry (who's Larry by the way?)...   Until I looked to the side and there my colleague & friend was absolutely beaming at me! lol... 

Immediately it felt different... I didn't think she wasn't laughing at me... No, she was laughing with me :)  She had seen a moment of simple (though to see the state of me, it wasn't actually simple) happiness... How many of us get to see that honestly? There's always a little something held back when there are others around. But I decided in that moment, not to stop, not to hold back!!  I waved at her across the car lane and we were both in fits of giggles lol... can you see it? Can you picture us in the middle of traffic, wrapped up in our car bubbles (it was raining out) just two people, separated, but both in a shared moment of pure happiness, and by golly, we were in knots!

I kind of decided then and there... that no matter what... If I was in a good place, in a joyous moment and something that would or could be embarrassing were to happen, I wouldn't hold back, I would just laugh it off 'cause down the road, the memory of that moment could come back often, when I least expect it, and make me come alive again, would make me want to sing again... 

Oh and by the way, don't worry I'm not actually going to share my singing with you though ha ha ha

Luv & bubbles ♥♥♥

Beauty through a childs eyes...

I don't know about anyone else, but my children are plagued with compliments from me all the time!! Not in a ridiculous way, I don't tell them they're amazing at something if they're not, but I encourage and praise their tenacity at doing their best... To me personally, that's more amazing than anything else. To strive to do their very best fills me with the biggest rush of pride!!!

It's not being the best, it's trying your best...

Now in saying that... I do compliment them all the time, telling them that I think they're beautiful, I truly believe they are too, I may be biased, but I don't care, they hear it regularly with kisses and cuddles to boot :o)

Now where am I going with this? 

I had the most amazing conversation with my 4 year old daughter about being pretty... Sitting in the car one day waiting for one of the others at one of their MANY activities...
I told her with a kiss & cuddle that she's soooo pretty... and I love her squillions... She smiled at me with that look that can melt your heart... Oh I love that smile!!

And well.... then, yes totally fishing for a compliment of my own, I then asked

 "is Mammy pretty?"

Here's the thing... her reply stopped me dead in my tracks 

"Of course you are Mammy, your a girl... 

All girls are pretty" 

It struck me in that moment that out of the mouth of babes, the truth will be told...
Of course we're all pretty!  Why and where did anyone get the right to judge? 

I know this area is a minefield... There's so much already written and published about how society views beauty and I certainly don't mean to be an authority on the subject by any stretch of the imagination lol... I still struggle with how I see myself most of the time!!! So I'm NOT trying to spark a debate...

But this simple little conversation with my little girl, who sees people so beautifully and whole heartedly, has inspired me again to re-examine how I see everyone. It's actually quite scary how judgemental we can be without actually realising it!!! Yes, I can see it... We're all beautiful.

Regardless though, for me at least, my eyes are open & my heart inspired....

Hmmm... On a lighter note, I just hope she didn't mean that girls are pretty because boys are ugly ha ha ha

Luv & bubbles

THE MASK....

What is THE MASK...?

I quote Charles C. Finn's Poem here, it's just a snippet but powerful in it's message all the same :

        Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

               Don't be fooled by me.

               Don't be fooled by the face I wear

               for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

               masks that I'm afraid to take off,

               and none of them is me.

               Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,

               but don't be fooled,

               for God's sake don't be fooled.

               I give you the impression that I'm secure,

               that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well

                    as without,

               that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

               that the water's calm and I'm in command

               and that I need no one,

               but don't believe me.

THE MASK as I've grown to call it is exactly what it says on the tin!! A shield to hide behind... Those that know me personally know that I smile a lot, I'm generally a bubbily kind of person.  For goodness sake I'm known by some family and friends as Bubbles because I sign off using "Luv & Bubbles Clarebear" ha ha ha...   But what a lot of people don't know is that I had mastered THE MASK to the point, friends and family couldn't tell the difference!!! They weren't able to tell when I was genuinely happy or when I was hiding pain, but how do you strike the right balance? I don't have any answers for anyone, I don't know how many people do this themselves (but I know I'm not alone)... and I don't claim to know it all or anything about how to find the way, but I will say I have managed to find my own balance.  

No, I'm not going to share my deepest struggles, I'm still quite private, even if I am blogging about my life (lol... contradiction in terms there ha ha) But I want to share when I finally realised for myself that I had managed to get it just right...

Not so long ago, a lovely local woman, who knows me only as an acquaintance, asked me tentatively one day why I closed my business... She loved my handmade cards and couldn't understand why it was closed.  She seemed quite nervous to be asking actually :)  When I told her I closed it as I had been through a tough time in my life & needed to focus on my family, she was visibly taken aback.  She went on to tell me how incredible it was that I always seem so happy! 'Your always smiling' she said, she told me that she had heard about my situation (a separation) but didn't believe it, said it had to be a rumour, as I was always so bubbily and laughing...

I was sad at first, as I thought about THE MASK, the dreaded shield I've used for years and years.... I have been resented by people for coming across as having 'complete control' of my life through all it's ups and downs and to be fair I haven't... I'm the same as the next person... None of us have complete control and to be honest, I wouldn't necessarily really want to.... 

Why? because where would the life lessons be? How would we grow? How could we recognise the best of times if we didn't experience the worst of times?

This time I didn't hide behind the mask, nor did I give it credit for my smile as I spoke to her.  Yes I'm still facing hurdles from time to time and yes I'm down right cheesed off like the rest of us, but now the mask doesn't define how I should be, it has no power... I choose in a moment whether to be honest or not.  That power to choose has given me a new strength, which is the strength I hope she saw on that day.  

But hang on and come'ere I'm no saint, I'm no amazing kind of person, I'm just simply someone who has had a particular series of circumstances that have put me in a position to sink or swim!!! I used to appear to be floating, but now I just happen to be a person who chooses to swim, weather it's back stroke, front stroke, or even doggy paddle ha ha ha... 

It's not about how I've done it, it's that I've MANAGED to do it.  Believe me, if I can... anyone can

I'm just me...

Luv & bubbles ♥♥♥